I'VE GOT NOTHIN'!
Jane M. Phinney | August 3, 2020|
This morning I woke up feeling like a wreck from the inside out. After an active week of processing life possibilities, I felt numb and done-in. “Catching my breath” didn’t exactly play out like I thought it would. Stuff keeps getting dropped on our plate & at 6:30 this morning, I wasn’t sure what to do with all of it. I sat at my desk like a lump on a log feeling stuck, empty, & alone. When my honey walked in with a good morning greeting, I promptly replied that it was not…a good morning that is. Bless his heart! I talk things out. My honey processes internally. Good thing for us, they say that opposites attract. 😊
Three things set me up for the emotional pickle I found myself in. First, we received the explanations of some unsettling health options. Secondly, I paid the bills last night only to see that our support was $1000 short. (That is never a good bedtime story!) Thirdly, I had to write this blog today & God had already given me the title. But I didn’t want to be a hypocrite, acting like it was all good when it was not. So I changed it to what you see, because I don’t want to fake it. There you have it! I guess I’ll find out how raw, & real & straight from the heart you, reader, like things.
It was in May that I wrote down GOD>MY NEED in my journal. I was unaware, at the time, how fitting this phrase would be as the summer played out. It is the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth…no matter how I feel inside my soul. His faithfulness is not conditional. In retrospect, I can stand back & be amazed at His gems, sown earlier in my life experience, before I technically see my need for them. At that point, I thought, “Oh! That’s awesome, Lord! What a great reminder!” Since that first recorded phrase over 2 months ago, I continued to add it on the days I made entries.
On June 20, my entry looked like this: “Dear Father, YOU>my need. >my spiritual need, >my physical need, >my emotional need, > my marriage needs, > my parenting/grandparenting need, >my financial need, & >my social need. I love best when I am satisfied in You, Lord. You fill up to overflowing, every area that I feel lacking in. As You were faithful to restore the bitter emptiness of Naomi—her hurting loss of being ‘full’—Oh Lord, please restore mine…my heart full of You & overflowing to others…even to those purposely causing the emptiness.” Five days later I wrote, “This was supposed to be a down day but I’m not doing well at shutting off my mind. Take these burdens, Lord. I know I’m to pray, but I don’t want to pick them back up again. GOD>MY NEEDS.”
Fast forward another month to July 25. All the things I penned in my July 7 blog were still in effect. Some even more magnified than originally understood. God shut some doors tight, while swinging others w-i-d-e open, to places I didn’t think I could go. Or maybe I didn’t want to go. But none of these situations are going away anytime soon. At the conclusion of that day’s entry I wrote, “GOD>MY NEED…still & always.”
Some lessons in life are ongoing until death. Only then will we see God’s full intent clearly. That’s how I view truly believing & living GOD>ANY NEED I HAVE. I do not doubt His abilities for a minute! I doubt myself & my motives. I somewhat know my flesh & my propensity for disliking traumatic surprises/change. And I sometimes wonder why it appears easier for me to confidently believe for someone else than for myself. I know God is in control. But it is a vulnerable feeling to face how much I’m not in charge. I know God sees it all. But I’m still surprised at what I miss in the overarching purpose of His plans in a given situation. Lastly, as much as I love my family, they are not mine. They are His. Herein lies the crucifixion of my insecurities. God is able to keep each one, & me, until the appointed day that He brings them/me Home. (Philippians 1:19&20)