• Heart Undressed Blog


Jane M. Phinney | July 7, 2020 |

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is dismayed; but Thou O Lord—how long?” (Psalm 6: 2&3) This is where I found myself yesterday morning. And this is where I am, again, this afternoon. Sometimes life just happens too fast to process one thing before another, & another, & another comes along. Before you know it, you can’t remember who you asked to pray for what. Welcome to my mushy brain!

The past 6 weeks, our lives have stayed in transition. Death is not considerate & it arrives whether you are ready or not. So do the consequences of another’s impulse decision that altars their life forever & leaves you numb on the sidelines. Add to that the emergency surgery for my son-in-law’s brain aneurysm (last week) & the move of our other daughter & family (this week), landing them 16 hours away. Meantime, my Honey & I have had multiple appointments & undergone tests. It appears that I’m heading for back surgery. And the jury is still out on whether, or not, he will be too. You know how these things play out. Within each of these situations are hundreds of communications by phone or text. That’s just how it is. But it does leave you tired, inside & out, as the dynamics intertwine with each other.

As Nate was being evaluated at the hospital in CO, we were party to the 3am birth of a precious baby girl in our small fellowship. What a contrast! By the time I saw the picture of my son after surgery, I cried like baby Emma. Only I couldn’t stop. I just kept thinking, “We came so close to losing him!” My heart felt like it would burst. And that feeling hasn’t fully left since. While facing unknowns, God is faithful & true but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t acknowledge the pain we experience. Often it means that we are even more vulnerable because knowing Him keeps us honest. So I’m sharing with you because just maybe you can relate. I keep running back to Him, to the Truth, to keep my emotional & spiritual balance. So much goes on in other lives that we cannot judge by outside appearances. As my friend Maggie says, “Growing old isn’t for sissies!” Amen to that! 😊

Today I decided to catch my breath by writing less & sharing another poem I wrote instead. It was some years ago during another period of disillusionment. I was blessed to read it again because its sentiments “go for the jugular,” as they say. Bless the Lord, in these moments the words just flow. I pray this Truth meets you in whatever messy situation you find yourself today. People can’t see your soul. But He can, & underneath our lives are His everlasting arms…always.

Suffocation ©

Alone in the darkness

I cry on my bed

Sleep’s comfort eludes me

Thoughts swirl in my head.

“Save me, dear Lord!”

I plead in despair

Anxious thoughts grip my heart

No answer is there.

I give & I give

But still life demands more

When is enough, enough?

And what’s it all for?

My lists never end

Sometimes I can’t breathe

But still it’s expected

Other’s fears I’ll relieve.

“Do this!” they say

“You could help out a lot!”

While I struggle to survive

Other’s goals fill my slots.

Lord, help me protect

The heart of my calling

To say “no” to the extras

When foundations are falling

Humbly I bow

To meet You in prayer

Boldly I rise

Reassured of Your care.

Though many may criticize

The choices I make

Keep my resolve firm

For Your name’s sake.


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